Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Whispers in the Soul

It was a moment I heard a calming voice within my soul, I remember the exact time, where I was, what I was doing. The whisper was clear and profound. I was praying "God please stop her suffering" and in return I heard a whisper from deep inside asking, "whose suffering?" I stop, I think and I say "Me ... Me.. I am ...." each seizure I watch her go through I am suffering. Each time her body convulses and she is lost to me, I am suffering. The instant was so clear and so real and all perspective changed in that moment. I cried "Me Lord, help MY suffering". 
So here we are months later and not much has changed with Lily. To be honest, things have gotten worse. Seizures are worse, we suspect she is having circulation problems and in November she was very sick with pneumonia. There is still suffering. But there is also peace. My perspective has changed, once again, it's a never ending roller coaster when you are mom to a special needs child. Darkness and light can interchange in a moment. But the realization at that exact time of who I was really praying for, who I was crying out about and I say it is her... and it is her.... but it is often selfishly me. It is me who is hurting, it is me who is suffering. It is me who is wishing and it is me who is hoping. Those things never change. But once I got real with myself and confirmed exactly what I was truly wanting, her to get better FOR ME, my heart made a switch. 
Now I still pray each day for Lily to be comforted. I still pray the seizures are manageable. But I also pray for me. I pray that I have faith that God has his hands all over us, guiding me in my parenting not just care taking for Lily, but parenting her and her brother and sister. Do I worry still, at times yes, but I also have a quietness inside me that comforts me when it gets to be too much. I have a peace that passes all understanding.
I continue to pray for this peace that carries me and comforts me. I can look at Lily and see in her face peace. I know God has given this precious girl a great gift. I should be more proud of this sweet girl we have been given and not worry so much with all the things she can't do and the things I think she is missing out on. 
I am happy to have heard that whisper in my soul that put perspective in my life and turned my heart towards the direction it needs to head in and stay in.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Dear Kim 1994

I was in a Mothers Who Write Workshop this fall, as I have mentioned before, and this was one of my assignments I never turned in. Our task was to write a letter to our teenage self. This was the toughest one I was given. I struggled and struggled with writing it. I like to mix lightness with heavy in my writing and my teen years were tough so it was impossible to be light in this. And I guess that was why I felt so exposed with this piece. So exposed I didn't go to class that night and never turned this piece in. 
Yesterday at church our pastor talked about the examples we are to our kids. He said some crazy facts on kids who go to church with their moms don't end up continuing church nearly as often as kids who go to church with their dads. He talked about how the words we say, the actions we take are all absorbed by our children and at the end he had us all stand if we had any of x, y, or z situations growing up or in our current family now just to see how we all have been exposed to crap and we are all still here. Almost everyone stood. We all grew up with crap. We will all continue to overcome stuff, but knowing it is never too late to make changes, make ourselves better, and bring our kids up in a world better than the one before it. So I am OK sharing this piece. I am willing to expose myself because I understand that being vulnerable is how we grow and strengthen. God is good and will uses our pain for good purpose.

Happy Sweet 16 Kim. I’m sorry Dad didn't show. I wish I could change that for you, but I can’t.
I know you are hurt and upset, you have every right to be, I just want to tell you he isn't a bad guy. 
In about a year from now we will almost lose him, then things will change for the better. Cry today, hold a grudge, but keep your heart soft to him.

Pay attention to how mom does it all, and especially how she handles your brother Bryan. You will be surprised at just how much your life ends up parallel to hers. And I know how much you love him, let him know that. His disability affects him way more than it does you. That is something you should know and eventually will understand. It isn't all about you. When you realize that... the world opens up.
And that pretty mask you wear, only hurts you. I know high school is tough. I know your home life isn't “typical”, but be you. You are a lot greater than you give yourself credit for. Being two people is exhausting and you will find a freedom when you finally take off that mask.

You take second best when it comes to relationships. You settle. You take what you think you deserve, but you will see you deserve more. You will find more. Your guy is out there. I promise. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.

Keep your soul tender to God. I know it is just Mom’s thing right now, but God will surprise you.
You’re about to embark on some rough years. How I wish I could tell you to turn left when you go right, but even as I know now the hurts you will spend many years regretting, I would never say not to do them. It’s your mistakes that become your greatest teachers. It’s your choices you made that now force you to make better ones today.

Trust your heart, love deeply, forgive easily and always show compassion. 

God will protect you and he is there to comfort you. You are smarter, stronger and far lovelier than you ever believe you are. Chin up, take it all in. You will only be this young once.

And keep writing. It is the one thing that will always cleanse your soul. As we know running is not, nor will ever be our “thing”.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Well that was fun...

I have not written one line since November. Ok well besides facebook one liners, those seem to be all I am able to accomplish lately. Writing makes me happy. Writing completes me so I guess lately, I have been incomplete.

I barely survived Christmas. It was the first year I begged to be over before it even began. I didn't enjoy much of it at all. Except the day. I liked the actual day of Christmas. The rest blew. Not because anyone died, no one was sick, we are all truly blessed. And spoiled. And seriously suffer 1st world problems.

I had too much to do and not enough time to do it. I lost my husband due to a backyard makeover. Scratch not makeover… make. He made a back yard out of dirt. He literally landscaped our backyard his own self. He had some help on big job days, ie concrete, rock moving, plant planting, but all in all the dude did it himself. He really should be on TV. He is cuter than Ty Pennington, not nearly as hyper and really can create anything. But I lost him. He is a little possessed when doing projects, so when he is doing a project thru November and December, I think it is unnecessary to have to say my little Christmas elf was M.I.A. And speaking of elves… Lord have mercy on the elf on the shelf. 5 years is just too long to carry over this little tradition. I really should have had my kids closer together if only for this reason and this reason alone. No I don’t want to dress him up in clothes (!) when did that part start happening? And please stop showing funny things on facebook and pinterest just reminding me of all my short comings as a mom. He moved. Each day. The elf moved each day. I win. That is it. He doesn't need to tee pee our entire house or turn our milk green that the kids, as well as I, will refuse to drink. Goodness sake I made the elf “funny” one night and drew mustaches on the kids pictures only to realize I … err the elf… used a permanent paint marker. You know how much I cursed that elf and how much elbow grease went into fixing that little disaster? Ugh. A lot. Then the shopping. Shopping for gifts is an excruciating exercise for me on birthdays. When only one present is required. Add a big family on both sides at Christmas and I go into panic mode each year. I never learn. I want the right gift for everyone. I just need to buy gift cards and say wall ah. But I don’t. I himmm and I haaawwww and then I wait til the last minute and then ransack Walmart and Nordstrom Rack throwing things in my cart that I don’t even care about. My bargain brain starts overheating and I drive home biting my nails thinking of what I need to sell on the community facebook page to cover those costs I just endured. 

Sigh. That was December. How was yours. Can I put all that in our family Christmas letter?

And I usually LOVE Christmas. I used to feel proud to have a birthday during Christmas week. Now I spend my birthday scouting for gifts for others. That’s not fun. I love the lights and the music and all the decorations, but this year I didn't even hear my all-time favorite Christmas song Mary Did you Know until December 26th, and that was on accident.

I sucked at Christmas this year. And I am vowing to not again. That is my new year’s resolution, to not suck at Christmas next year. Or I mean this year. Whatever.

I said yes to too many things. I had expectations and we know how those go. But it is over. I will try again. I will slow down. Again. I will do better.

There is so much I have lacked in updating. Lily and her talker. How awesome Hope Kids has been to us. How funny and cute our kids are. How they do funny things that melt my heart and make me laugh. I get caught up in all the yuck of life. The have too’s and the want too’s and forget what it is all about.

I vow to slow down and then add an extra day at work, I keep commitments and continue to build more on my plate. I am what the boy scouts of America would tisk at, never prepared, under planned, always running, never caught up. I often feel like I need to run away, but what I really need is to get organized.

So that is what I am trying to do. Prepare. Plan. Get my crap together. 2013 was a beautiful year. A wonderful year. One of my favorites. But it kicked my butt. 

2014. I have big little plans for you. Time to re-focus, less busy and re-prioritize.

Let’s do this! I will get back on board with this blog. I need to. 2014 bring on a quiet year and I will kiss you.

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