Calm Amongst the Chaos

I am so praying 2009 will far surpass 2008. No crappy study for Lily. Hopefully we will get that report with her actual diagnosis within this month. We will have a new baby! I pray he is healthy and shows us what boys are all about! Andi will enter her 4th year and I am hopeful that 4 will be better than 3. It has to be! She has gotten soooo much better within these last few months so I can only assume that means 4 will be great.
I do admit though, as much as I am ready to meet this little guy, I will miss pregnancy. I enter my 30’s with my last child. As much as I hate heartburn and I yearn to hold him, I love that right now he is all mine. I get to hold him all day long, all by myself. Soon it will be stressful and crazy and I have to share him. I plan on enjoying this last month and will remind myself that this is it. My last baby.
Today I watched the babies at church, I do that every other Sunday and love it. We usually have 2-4, 3-6 month old. I love it. There is this baby with full cheeks that reminds me so much of Lily. This baby just wants to eat her bottle, then I rock her and like clock work she is asleep in my arms. Every time I watch her. She is so peaceful, her name means peaceful (for the whole internet reason thing I will not share her name) and she was appropriately named. I just love doing that job and it makes me more excited for our boy.
It was interesting, today in the nursery walked in a familiar face I hadn’t seen in years. It took awhile to place her and I had to ask if she was K’s mom. She said “Yes” and sadness filled her face. K was my first experience with death in a child. Lily and K attended the same infant program at FBC and when she suddenly passed away I was shell shocked. I knew we all had very special kids, I just didn’t imagine ever loosing any of them. Lily was only about 18 months when she passed and that funeral was so life changing for me. I read back in my personal journal about that day and I still get the chills. I couldn’t place myself in K’s moms shoes. I couldn’t. I just didn’t know how she could watch that tiny grave go into the ground. I was in awe at her composure and knew I would have been on the ground unable to be lifted.
Unfortunately that was not my last funeral I have been to for a child and it never gets easy. But that one will be my first and was life changing. It taught me about what I had and what I had to loose. I learned a lot from K and her family and was glad to see her looking happy, with a family and doing well. Nothing will change the loss of K, but she has moved on. Another thing I worried I have a hard time doing. Life is fragile and seeing her today reminded me of that very fact.
I think we all need reminders from time to time.
I pray this is a wonderful year and not just for us, but for all our friends and families. We love all our special angel friends we have met in real life and on the web and thank God that we had Lily in this generation where we aren’t alone. We can all rely on each other and that is something to be very grateful for.